Anointedvessel’s Weblog
Let’s Just Assume I’m Always Right!Archive for May, 2009
I Just Thank God!
You know sometimes I sit back and wonder how I made it this far and then I realize it was by the grace of God. This morning I got up and did my usual six mile walk and near the end every bone and muscle in my body wanted to fail, wanted to quit, I felt like hitchhiking the rest of the way back home. I felt so very tired I mean bone tired, weary down to the cell membrane if you can even be that tired. I looked up and said God I need you! Right then, a breeze hit my back and I felt my second wind step in, I stepped up my walk and made it the next mile and crawled up the steps to my apartment. I sat wondering God why is it taking all of this for me to lose weight, I have been at this for over a year now, I have at least eight more months of hard work before I reach my final goal. Thats when God in all his infinite wisdom in his small voice, spoke to me and said, “you know, it took you over ten yrs to put this weight on, I’m letting you take it off in less than a third of that time and you have the ability to do it”. I sat up and thought about it, I just thank God. I could be so obese that I would have to have surgery, or couldn’t walk, or need to whiz around in a scooter, but no I can get up and walk six miles in the morning (whining the whole way mind you), and I have lost over 60 pounds what am I going on about! Yah my kneed hurt, my feet hurt and get blistered, yes my legs swell, yes I want to pass out sometimes from candy deprivation, and lack of soda and chips but hey, I haven’t had a cavity in a while. So I just thought I’d encourage all of you who might be in the struggle and doing the same as I, walking, running, crawling, whining et. al., continue on and know that God is the best coach you can have, plus he’s funny too. He will give it too you straight when you ask him a question no holds barred, I remember asking God if I needed to cut red meat out of my diet for a while. As soon as I whispered that prayer A friend of mine piped up unasked I might add, 
“Hey did you know they feed cows, chicken poop in their feed these days?, Sheez no wonder they had mad cow disease I would have been mad too if they would have pulled a commode up to the table and told me to eat!” I swallowed hard and whispered in my spirit, “Thanks God for the nutritional advise, I think”, Uhm since then I have switched to eating organic everything! haha!
And how was your day??
~Anointed
My Thoughts Exactly…
While watching Russel Simmon’s Brave New Voices on HBO Friday night, I was overwhelmed by the wisdom that came out of the mouths of mere babes. It’s amazing how intelligently these young people handled the spoken word. I literally felt what some of them were saying as they spoke with such conviction. Naturally as is my predilection when I find something good to share, I browsed you tube to try to find a sample of the show to show Anointed readers. Unfortunately I didn’t see anything from Friday, but I did see something from one young man that bears hearing . When I say, “bears hearing”, the target audience is African American, however this is an equal opportunity page so come one come all. The lesson that this young man has so eloquently made into prose is one that must be learned and quickly by the so called “Hip Hop” generation . Allow me to set it up for you….. He takes us into his life of channel surfing in a desperate search for quality entertainment, tired of the same old rap songs, P. Diddy, and blah blah blah, without giving the whole thing away he takes a swipe at BET. BET is nationally known as Black Entertainment Television, but in this example he comes right out and labels it what it is, along with the example of what he watches, Black Exploitation Television. I have also heard it termed Booty Entertainment Television by Rev. G. Craig Lewis (not sure if he originated that terminology), and worse. When I finished listening to this young man, I folded my arms and thought to my self with a satisfied nod. “Hmmm my thoughts exactly” Once you see the video you will see why I am not saying anything else….He said it already!
Soooo how was your day?
~Anointed
News From The Fringes!!
Anointed here folks and I would like to play news reporter. Just to make your day I perused the internet and found these gems, for you to laugh at and Enjoy!
Man Finds Jesus in a bag of Cheetos
Steve Cragg noticed his Cheeto had a rather heavenly appearance and upon further inspection realized that it favored Jesus. Now he has given his cheeto the nickname Cheesus!
BEDFORD, Ohio – An Ohio man who argued with his grown son over a messy bedroom said he overreacted when he called 911. Andrew Mizsak called authorities Thursday after his 28-year-old son — who’s a school board member in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford — threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when told to clean his room.
The son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents’ basement.
The father declined to press charges and told police he doesn’t want to ruin his son’s political career.
The son, who also works as a political consultant, said he’s lucky to be living in the house rent free. He also promises to keep his room clean. ( copied from yahoo news)
Man charged with felony for shooting his lawnmower
MILWAUKEE – A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.
According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn’t start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.”
A woman who lives at Walendowski’s house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.
Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.
A call to Walendowski’s home went unanswered Friday morning. (copied from Goofball News)
Man charged with passing gas towards a police officer
A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.
Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and “passed gas loudly,” the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.
He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn’t move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
“I couldn’t hold it no more,” he said.
He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.
Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.
“This is ridiculous,” he said. “I could be facing time.” (copied from oddball news)
Below Are Real Instructions Attached To Actual Products…..I added a little commentary in red
Aren’t you glad these folks don’t make maps…!
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping. Oh shoot you mean I was supposed to be awake for that
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Attention all cleptomaniacs this is for you
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. Oh is there another way or something that the world has yet to discover or discuss about soap usage?
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost. Geez that takes all the fun out of it, I thought a frozen dinner was just that… frozen!
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. no just turn the bottom side up
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. you don’t say, I have to meet the genius that discovered that
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. but won’t that take less time?
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. parent’s take your kids keys, you know how they can get
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness. as opposed to what exactly??
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. of course there are the occasional interdimensional uses
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. such as grinding rocks or processing industrial chemicals
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts. that would be a nice bonus
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. step two ask what to do next
On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Ok I’ll settle for leaping over tall buildings in a single bound
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. Not stopping it with genitals? I heard it was safer that way
On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions. So try to look disappointed and really surprised, for the sled performing well under the right conditions
On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp. oh shoot I was hoping they wouldn’t do that
On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. so if I bump my head and get hurt, I’ll know that I should have put my shin guards up there.
On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot. wow i was hoping they would tell me that my brown liquid was brown, now I have to go around wondering all day.
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly. I get it, in case of danger run and in case of quick moving danger, run even faster.
In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets. and I used to save so much money from the groomers doing it that way, but foofy had less hair each time though.
On the back of a pilot’s seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing. you know just in case you need to see the runway or something like that
On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here. Ok so where do I need to go to open it?
On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly. oh that’s why it’s been sitting there in the corner
On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin. oh really, I will certainly try to remember that
On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. Hey if I do that I will be missing my bath that I normally get when I jump in with all my clothes on
On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat. ok then what, I’m totally at a loss as to what comes next
In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the ‘ON/OFF’ button to the ‘ON’ position. ok so how do you turn it off
On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food. no really what else do you do with it
On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking. you mean you can’t just swallow the whole bottle
A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter. just go past this place it ain’t worth the headache
A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people. oh yah people mean, berry berry mean
Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted. right ….once we track down your immortal soul to stand trial
Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface. so why do we need to take care, isn’t it non-skid
On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only. yep, stunk up the bathroom but I’m waiting for hazmat to come in and spray the air freshener
On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children. Oh puleeze
On a pair of socks bought in egypt:
Do not wash. yah just let them fall off your stinky feet in shreds
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required. you think?
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes. Uhm no thanks, if it’s for self defense I need something that WILL irritate eyes!
On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts. Right I forgot about the little cockpit for the miniature pilot and the landing gear and emergency parachutes in case of a crash landing.
In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors. hahaha total idiot proof manual, gotta love it!
On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts. Oh no say it ain’t so
Directions for mosquito repellant:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one. aw and I was gonna get a used battery
On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less. Oh yes that’s way too young for them to start lying about their age!
In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use. just for that I’m going to turn on the tv while I shower and then leave it on while I sleep.
In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
Push this button in case anything happens. such as what exactly?
On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally. Oh God forbid
On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face. Unless your trying to sniff it and die at the same time
On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe. I would think not
On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair. what? and I thought that was SUCH a great idea!
On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children. just bathe them in a tub that way you won’t have to pay the quarter
On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping. I have to agree here, it would taste rather blond I mean bland
On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer. Ok I’ll try to keep it on the ground from now on
On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth. Hey uncle ernest but our family secret method of removing bad teeth has been revealed
On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants. I’ll try to remember that
In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher. They might mess around and get clean and give you another BAD idea
On a toaster:
Do not use underwater. I tried it, toast gets too soggy
On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow. At least not without a little A-1 sauce
