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News From The Fringes!!

May 18, 2009

Anointed here folks and I would like to play news reporter.  Just to make your day I perused the internet and found these gems, for you to laugh at and Enjoy!

Man Finds Jesus in a bag of Cheetos

jesuscheetoSteve Cragg noticed his Cheeto had a rather heavenly appearance and upon further inspection realized that it favored Jesus.  Now he has given his cheeto the nickname Cheesus!

Man calls 911 over 28-year-old son’s messy bedroom

allygirl520BEDFORD, Ohio – An Ohio man who argued with his grown son over a messy bedroom said he overreacted when he called 911. Andrew Mizsak called authorities Thursday after his 28-year-old son — who’s a school board member in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford — threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when told to clean his room.

The son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents’ basement.

The father declined to press charges and told police he doesn’t want to ruin his son’s political career.

The son, who also works as a political consultant, said he’s lucky to be living in the house rent free. He also promises to keep his room clean.  ( copied from yahoo news)

Man charged with felony for shooting his lawnmower

stewartfrewlawnmowermanMILWAUKEE – A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn’t start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.”

A woman who lives at Walendowski’s house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.

Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

A call to Walendowski’s home went unanswered Friday morning. (copied from Goofball News)

Man charged with passing gas towards a police officer

puppet_mask_gasmask_279278_tnA West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.

Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.

As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and “passed gas loudly,” the complaint said.

Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.

He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn’t move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

“I couldn’t hold it no more,” he said.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

“This is ridiculous,” he said. “I could be facing time.” (copied from oddball news)

Below Are Real Instructions Attached To Actual Products…..I added a little commentary in red
Aren’t you glad these folks don’t make maps…!


On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping. Oh shoot you mean I was supposed to be awake for that

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Attention all cleptomaniacs this is for you

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. Oh is there another way or something that the world has yet to discover or discuss about soap usage?

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost. Geez that takes all the fun out of it,  I thought a frozen dinner was just that… frozen!

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. no just turn the bottom side up

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. you don’t say,  I have to meet the genius that discovered that

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. but won’t that take less time?

On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. parent’s take your kids keys,  you know how they can get

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness. as opposed to what exactly??

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. of course there are the occasional interdimensional uses

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. such as grinding rocks or processing industrial chemicals

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts. that would be a nice bonus

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. step two ask what to do next

On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Ok I’ll settle for leaping over tall buildings in a single bound

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. Not stopping it with genitals?  I heard it was safer that way

On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions. So try to look disappointed and really surprised,  for the sled performing well under the right conditions

On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp. oh shoot I was hoping they wouldn’t do that

On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. so if I bump my head and get hurt,  I’ll know that I should have put my shin guards up there.

On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot. wow i was hoping they would tell me that my brown liquid was brown,  now I have to go around wondering all day.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly. I get it,  in case of danger run and in case of quick moving danger,  run even faster.

In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets. and I used to save so much money from the groomers doing it that way,  but foofy had less hair each time though.

On the back of a pilot’s seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing. you know just in case you need to see the runway or something like that

On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here. Ok so where do I need to go to open it?

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly. oh that’s why it’s been sitting there in the corner

On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin. oh really, I will certainly try to remember that

On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. Hey  if I do that I will be missing my bath that I normally get when I jump in with all my clothes on

On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eatok then what,  I’m totally at a loss as to what comes next

In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the ‘ON/OFF’ button to the ‘ON’ position. ok so how do you turn it off

On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food. no really what else do you do with it

On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking. you mean you can’t just swallow the whole bottle

A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter. just go past this place it ain’t worth the headache

A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people. oh yah people mean,  berry berry mean

Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted. right ….once we track down your immortal soul to stand trial

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:

Take care: new non-slip surface. so why do we need to take care,  isn’t it non-skid

On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only. yep,  stunk up the bathroom but I’m waiting for hazmat to come in and spray the air freshener

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children. Oh puleeze

On a pair of socks bought in egypt:
Do not wash. yah just let them fall  off your stinky feet in shreds

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required. you think?

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes. Uhm no thanks,  if it’s for self defense I need something that WILL irritate eyes!

On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts.  Right I forgot about the little cockpit for the miniature pilot and the landing gear and emergency parachutes in case of  a crash landing.

In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors. hahaha  total idiot proof manual,  gotta love it!

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts. Oh no say it ain’t so

Directions for mosquito repellant:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one. aw and I was gonna get a used battery

On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less. Oh yes that’s way too young for them to start lying about their age!

In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use. just for that I’m going to turn on the tv while I shower and then leave it on while I sleep.

In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
Push this button in case anything happens. such as what exactly?

On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally. Oh God forbid

On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face. Unless your trying to sniff it and die at the same time

On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe. I would think not

On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair. what?  and I thought that was SUCH a  great idea!

On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children. just bathe them in a tub  that way you won’t have to pay the quarter

On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping. I have to agree here,  it would taste rather blond  I mean bland

On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer. Ok I’ll try to keep it on the ground from now on

On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth. Hey uncle ernest but our family secret  method of removing bad teeth has been revealed

On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants. I’ll  try to remember that

In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher. They might mess around and get clean and give you another BAD idea

On a toaster:
Do not use underwater. I tried it,  toast gets too soggy

On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow. At least not without a little A-1 sauce

(copied from The funny pages)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. ahrcanum permalink
    May 20, 2009 6:38am

    Good humor!

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